2SentenceReviews

By my count, this is the fifth film in the Predator series and the viewer still knows practically nothing about this turgid species of alien hunters — where do they come from, why do they hunt things, do they have an actual language or just stand around and screech at each other like idiots? When you come right down to it, they’re not even very good hunters — they use laser-guided shoulder cannons and invisible armor and still get their asses kicked by human ex-marines armed with nothing but tree branches.

Grade: D

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Despicable Me is an endlessly clever summer confection that had all the adults, teens and kids in the showing I attended laughing uproariously (me included). The film is just as touching and inventive as Toy Story 3, but packed with twice as many wonderful nicknacks (the villain’s car is the best Hollywood auto since the Batmobile).

Grade: A+

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This documentary confirms what I’ve always believed about Joan Rivers — she’s a vicious, self-obsessed, unforgiving old shrew who puts on a particularly vile and malignant stand-up comedy act. I will give her this: At 75, she works harder and longer than a harbor full of longshoremen.

Grade: B+

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At the risk of agreeing with Bill, Toy Story 3 is as close to a perfect movie as you can get. Joyously inventive and deeply touching, it had this old curmudgeon laughing out loud and crying like a toddler.

Grade A+

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Don’t pay attention to the “monster picks off humans one by one” marketing for this movie. Splice is actually a thoughtful and deeply terrifying Frankenstein story that goes places you’d never suspect.

Grade: B+

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What disappoints me so much about Get Him to the Greek is that the film offers nothing new or surprising. It’s simply the sum of its trailers — fat, stupid Jonah Hill chasing the loathsome Russell Brand around Los Angeles.

Grade: D

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Unless you’re a 12-16-year-old boy, this extended SNL sketch is probably not for you. MacGruber has some genuine laughs, but they’re smothered by a literal mountain of infantile poop jokes that are simply vile.

Grade: C

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The Hurt Locker is not so much a story as it is a series of terrifying can-he-defuse-the-bomb sequences. Engrossing, yes — worthy of the Best Picture Oscar, hardly.

B-

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Universal is marketing Green Zone like another Jason Bourne flick, but this film is really a heavy-handed indictment of the Bush administration’s lies about WMD in Iraq. OK, fine, but since this all happened in 2003, hasn’t the entire country literally seen this movie before?

B-

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What I like most about this ferociously entertaining remake of the classic monster story is that it cuts (pun intended) right to the chase — no tedious Victorian love story to sit through, no gasbag discussions about the origins of evil, just throat-ripping, blood-spurting mayhem from beginning to end. Hey, I like my werewolves wet and wild, so sue me.

Grade: B

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